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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28989687">Ruined</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy'>TakeItEezy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Betaed, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Self-Blame, Self-Hatred, Self-blaming, Sexual Assault, ShesAKillerQueen98</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:56:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,285</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28989687</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TakeItEezy/pseuds/TakeItEezy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A night of drinking gone wrong causes Aziraphale to find out something about Crowley that he desperately wanted to keep hidden.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale &amp; Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>80</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ruined</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>What you are about to read is rather disturbing and you might find it hard or unpleasant to read. It will not be that graphic, but it is implied.<br/>PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES!!<br/>This is my story told through fictional characters.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Crowley sat at the bar, his coat pulled around him to protect him from the chilly night air.<br/>
He was several drinks in when a man looking about in his 30s came up and sat next to him. He didn't turn his head or acknowledge the mans presence. Something was off about him, he couldn't quite put his hands on it.<br/>
“Hey, beautiful.” He said, turning towards him. Crowley pretended not to notice, going as far as turning his back on the man. He reached over and tapped his arm. With a sigh of annoyance, he turned to him.<br/>
“What?” His voice was clipped and the tone laden with anger.<br/>
“I just wanted to talk about something with someone.” He said, his hands raised in a defensive position. He raised an eyebrow.<br/>
“I don’t do things for strangers.” He answered, turning away once more, downing a shot. Immediately, the bar tender felt the urge to fill his glass again, which is exactly what he did.<br/>
“I...” the man sighed, “I need help and no one is willing to help me.”<br/>
“And why would I help you?”<br/>
“Because I can sense that you’re a good person.” Crowley snorted and took the next shot. It tasted a bit different, but in his intoxicated state, he didn’t care. All he wanted was the burning feeling of alcohol in the back of his throat.<br/>
“If you knew me, you wouldn’t describe me as ‘good person.’” He said turning to face the man.<br/>
“The reason I came here today is that I was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.”<br/>
Wow. That went very personal rather quickly.<br/>
“Okay...” Crowley furrowed his eyebrows together. “And you’re telling me this... why?”<br/>
“Like I said before,” the man put his hand on his arm, “you looked kind.”<br/>
For a while, the man, Scott, kept talking about overly personal and rather heavy topics. According to him, his wife was having an affair and would hurt him if he asked about it, his mother and father had died a few years prior, and both of his siblings had died, one from cancer and the other from suicide. It sounded like everything in his life was going from bad to worse. Even the demon felt sorry for him. He closed his eyes and tried to resist the urge to help when he nearly fell off of her chair. A wave of dizziness swept over him and left him holding onto the bar for dear life. His mind was scrambled, but one thought that got lost in the sea of scrambled nonsense that was his brain was that he didn’t have enough alcohol to really mess him up. A cold sweat broke out on his forehead and he closed his eyes, groaning.<br/>
“I... I think I’m going to be sick...”<br/>
He got out of his seat and nearly fell face first onto the ground when Scott caught him.<br/>
“Whoa there,” Scott said, but his voice sounded like an echo, “here, let me help you.”<br/>
“N-need to get home...” he said, his legs practically giving out on him. “Call Aziraphale...”<br/>
“There’s no need to call him. I’ll take you home.” Scott helped him through the exit and got him into a silver car before he began to understand the situation.<br/>
He had been drugged.<br/>
Suddenly, he blacked out.<br/>
—<br/>
When Crowley awoke, he was laying in a large bed, the sheets all tucked in around him. He recognized the room. It was a room he used to sleep in all the time. A warm, cozy room filled with books.<br/>
He was at the bookshop. Aziraphale appeared next to him and placed a cup of tea next to the bed.<br/>
“Thank you for bringing him here, Scott. You are ever so kind.”<br/>
“Of course, Mr. Fell! I was worried about him.”<br/>
“Yes, well, thank you. Now, it’s about time you got home. It’s almost dark. Your wife will be waiting for you!”<br/>
“Yeah.” He said in a dejected voice. “But I just want to make sure that Crowley is alright. I’d like to stay with him a little while longer.”<br/>
“‘Zira...phale...” Crowley tried to get up, but even coming to a sitting position was difficult.<br/>
“Crowley!” Aziraphale looked at him, relieved. “You best stay in bed, my dear boy. You had quite a bit to drink.”<br/>
Crowley tried to say that it wasn’t the drink, but as soon as he was able to open his mouth, Aziraphale had left the room. He looked over at Scott, glaring at him.<br/>
“Y-you...”<br/>
“I can see that you’re a bibliophile, just like me!” Scott looked at him intently. “I’ll tell you a few of my favorites to help you get back to sleep. You need some rest.”<br/>
Suddenly, Crowley felt a hand on his thigh. He looked down and saw that Scott had slipped his hand under the covers and sheets. His hand slowly moved up Crowley’s thigh. Crowley tried to push his hand away, but he was too weak. All he did was make the hand stop moving for a second.<br/>
“No...” Crowley gasped.<br/>
“Oh, you don’t want to talk books?” Scott’s hand began stroking his thigh, getting dangerously close to somewhere he never wanted to be touched. “How about movies?”<br/>
“Stop...” Crowley began feeling something in his pants, something that definitely should NOT be happening.<br/>
“I know some rather great movies that we can talk about.” Scott smiled at him, leaning forward as he began to touch Crowley. “It’ll help me get my mind off of stuff. It might work for you, too.”<br/>
Right. Helping him. His life, he deserved something, Crowley thought in his jumbled mind. Just let it happen.<br/>
“You’d like...” all of Scott’s words seemed to melt into nothingness. All he could do was try his hardest not to stop what was happening and not to make any noise, for fear of what Aziraphale might do.<br/>
Just let it happen.<br/>
Why did it have to feel like this?<br/>
Why did his body react in the ways that it did to his touch?<br/>
And, oh Satan, when would it STOP?<br/>
Why won’t he STOP?!<br/>
Satan, how long would this go on?!<br/>
Just had to wait.<br/>
It would be over soon.<br/>
This... humiliation wouldn’t last forever.<br/>
He just had to wait it out.<br/>
He bit his lip as Scott’s touched him, trying not to cry.<br/>
He cried every time.<br/>
He wouldn’t do it this time.<br/>
He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.<br/>
He wouldn’t-<br/>
“Crowley?!” Aziraphale burst into the room, his eyes wide in shock. Oh, Satan, no. He must have felt Crowley’s fear, his dread, his disgust, his... his resignation.<br/>
As soon as Aziraphale saw that Scott’s arm was under the covers, his countenance became filled with rage.<br/>
“What... are you doing?” He growled at Scott as he pulled his hand away from Crowley.<br/>
“I was just making sure he was comfortable. He was-“<br/>
“Get out.” Aziraphale spat at the man. “Get out before I make you.”<br/>
“Now-Now hold on just a second!” Scott stood up, starting to become uneasy.<br/>
“GET OUT!” Aziraphale screamed, his wings appearing in the physical realm as his eyes began to glow. Suddenly, Aziraphale’s rage hit him like a brick wall, the sheer emotion causing Crowley to lose his breath. The emotion was so strong that mentally, the demons emptiness was temporarily filled with anger. “You will NOT hurt this man ever again!”<br/>
“He wasn’t hurt! I wasn’t hurting him! I swear!” Scott fell to his knees, sobbing. “Please, I only wanted to-“<br/>
Suddenly the man froze, his expression a mix of fear and agony. As Aziraphale regained his composure and put his wings back into the ethereal plane, the man began to crumble into ash. Soon, all that was left of him was a pile of dust on the ground. Crowley looked at the angel in horror as he straightened his bow tie.<br/>
“You... you...”<br/>
“I should have known he was no good.” Aziraphale clenched his teeth. “I smelled sin on him the minute he walked through the door. I thought it was just you, but I should have known.”<br/>
“You... smote him!”<br/>
“Yes, I believe I did.”<br/>
“Angel.” Crowley tried to sober up from the drug that had been slipped into his glass. “You’ll get in so much trouble for doing that.”<br/>
“I’ll tell them that he had committed a sin so atrocious that he had to be stopped on sight.”<br/>
“But Aziraphale,” Crowley sighed, “it wasn’t his fault. It’s mine.”<br/>
Aziraphale reeled back as if Crowley had slapped him.<br/>
“How on earth would it be your fault?!” The angel practically yelled before regaining his composure.<br/>
“I am the EMBODIMENT of sssin, Aziraphale. You and I both know this. I usually attract that type of attention when I go out anyway-“<br/>
“‘Usually?’” Aziraphale looked at him in horror.<br/>
“Not everyone actsssss on it, but they all want it, they want ME.” He crossed his arms and clenched his teeth, trying not to cry. His still intoxicated brain was bringing out all of his icky emotions. “I do them a dissssservice by not helping them, and the people who act on it-“<br/>
“-Are the type of people who will end up in Hell, anyway.” Aziraphale finished. “Your... demonic nature must attract those who prey on the weak.”<br/>
“My demonic nature, as you put it, drives people to go to extremes they wouldn’t normally go to. I’m the problem.”<br/>
“Oh, my dear boy...” The angel looked at the demon. Crowley was surprised to see tears in his eyes as he walked over to the side of the bed. He tried to put his hand on the demons shoulder, but as soon as it landed, Crowley jumped.<br/>
“Don’t!” The demon nearly fell out of the bed trying to get away from the angel. “I don’t desssserve ssssympathy! Thissss was all me. Thisss is just part of my punishment. Demons don’t deserve sssympathy or care. I’m a demon, Assssseraphale. Do you not undersssstand how... how...” there were tears in his eyes, “I’m ruined, Aziraphale. I’m ruined.”<br/>
The angel looked at him in shock.<br/>
“You’re far from ruined, Crowley. You’re-“<br/>
“You’re blind, angel.” He shook his head. “Everyone else sees-“<br/>
“How can you speak for the entirety of the human race when you’re not even one of them?”<br/>
“No, Aziraphale, I’m not talking about just humans.” He looked away in shame. “It’s you, too.”<br/>
Aziraphale’s cheeks went pink.<br/>
“I can feel lust, Aziraphale, and yours... well, it was rather easy to figure out who it was towards when I thought about it. Took me a couple of centuries, but I got there.”<br/>
“Crowley...” Aziraphale cleared his throat, his expression a mix of embarrassment and pain, “I... how could you think I’d do such a thing to you?”<br/>
“As I said, angel. It’s me. Not you.”<br/>
Suddenly, Crowley felt another surge of rage coming from the angel.<br/>
“My feelings for you are no more predatory than your feelings for me.”<br/>
Crowley’s eyes widened.<br/>
“How did you-“<br/>
“You feel lust, I feel love. Angel thing and all that.” Aziraphale waved his hand dismissively. “My point is that I would never harm you, because I-“<br/>
“Don’t say it, Aziraphale.” Crowley practically begged.<br/>
“-I love you.”<br/>
There was a heavy silence.<br/>
“I thought demons couldn’t love,” the angel continued, “at least not after they fell. You seem to-“<br/>
“Don’t do this to me.” The demon looked up at the angel. “Don’t do this.”<br/>
“What on earth are you talking about?” Aziraphale looked at him, confusion in his eyes.<br/>
“Don’t lie.” Crowley gritted his teeth. “Just because I’m hurting, that doesn’t mean you have to, or even CAN fix it. We both know I’m too fucked up, too unpredictable, too... too demonic to be loved.”<br/>
“How dare you?!” Aziraphale looked at him, his hurt plain as day. “How dare you tell me who I can or cannot love? I love you, Crowley, I chose you over Heaven and Hell, I chose the world not only for the humans but because you enjoy it here and I didn’t want to take that from you. I’ll choose you, Crowley. Every time, I’ll choose you.”<br/>
The demon blinked in surprise, then tried to regain some composure.<br/>
“When did you first realize?” Crowley asked. “That I... you know...”<br/>
“Loved me?” The angel looked upwards, scrunching his face in concentration. Then, realization dawned over him. “1941.”<br/>
“The bombing?” Crowley looked confused.<br/>
“You walked into a church without fuss, even though you knew it would burn your feet. You made a bomb drop on a building we were both in, yet made sure to save my books.” Aziraphale gave Crowley a soft smile. “All for me.”<br/>
Crowley sighed, picking at the blanket on his lap, finally sobering up. Aziraphale sighed, looking down at his hands.<br/>
“I’ll let you get some rest.” He said, turning to leave. Suddenly, a cold hand grabbed his wrist gently. He looked at the hand, then looked at its demonic owner.<br/>
“Stay?” He gave Aziraphale a half smile. “Please.”<br/>
“Of course, my dear boy.”<br/>
Crowley patted the bed and Aziraphale sat right next to him, not close enough that they were touching, but just close enough. Crowley let out a laugh and scooted up to the angel until their bodies touched. He laid down next to Aziraphale who surprised him by laying down as well.<br/>
Crowley placed his head on Aziraphale’s chest and let out a long sigh.<br/>
He didn’t feel fixed, he still felt broken, but now he felt like he could start picking up the pieces of his broken psyche. And he knew now that he would always have his angel watching his back.<br/>
Until the end of time.<br/>
And even after that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey y’all. This one was a tough one to write and an even tougher one to post. I was sexually assaulted when I was in a hospital receiving drug treatment for a chronic condition. The person told me they were dying and I wanted to help a dying person in any way I could. I was under the influence due to my treatments when this happened. This was what it felt like for me. I am NOT saying that this is what all people who were sexually assaulted feel or think. This is my personal experience.<br/>The difference is that there was no “Aziraphale” to save me.<br/>The reason that I wanted to post this is not because I want to be “edgy” or anything. This story is simply to make people understand what it can really be like. I blamed myself for what happened to me for years and I’m just now starting to put myself back together. I wanted to post this to also help those who need to see this, who need to understand that they are not alone.<br/>You are not alone.<br/>And it’s not your fault.<br/>Other people face this, people you might not suspect.<br/>We are all here for you.<br/>We love you.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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